When Your Mind Won’t Stop: Understanding Overthinking and Finding a Calmer Way Forward
Psychodynamic Psychotherapy in San Francisco
Many of the individuals I work with describe a particular kind of exhaustion—not the physical tiredness that sleep can fix, but the mental fatigue that comes from living inside a mind that doesn’t slow down. They replay conversations, anticipate outcomes, revisit small decisions, and carry an internal pressure to anticipate every possible mistake.
If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering, “Why am I overthinking everything?” you are far from alone. Overthinking is often misunderstood as a simple habit to break. But clinically, it is much more meaningful and rooted in deeper psychological processes.
Why Overthinking Happens (And Why It Isn’t Your Fault)
From a psychodynamic perspective, overthinking isn’t driven by the content of the thoughts—it’s driven by what the mind is trying not to feel. The thoughts are a surface layer. The emotional life underneath is the deeper story.
Research supports this: studies in affect regulation and defense mechanisms (Bucci, 1997; Schore, 2012) show that repetitive thinking patterns serve as psychological strategies to manage overwhelming emotions that were once too difficult to experience directly.
Some of the most common reasons people overthink include:
1. Overthinking as Protection
When someone grows up in an environment where unpredictability, criticism, or emotional volatility was common, the mind learns to stay vigilant.
Overthinking becomes a way to avoid surprise—a strategy that once served a purpose.
2. Avoiding Emotional Pain
Many people learned early in life that emotions were unsafe or unwelcome.
Overthinking functions as a shield: as long as you stay in your thoughts, you don’t have to feel sadness, anger, loneliness, shame, or fear.
3. Maintaining Control
Cognitive neuroscience research (Paulus & Stein, 2006) suggests that anxiety and worry create an illusion of control. The mind tries to “solve” uncertainty by rehearsing outcomes, even when it doesn’t help.
4. A Learned Response to High Expectations
Children who grew up needing to perform, anticipate others’ needs, or avoid mistakes often carry these internal demands into adulthood. The overactive mind becomes an echo of old expectations.
This is why overthinking rarely responds to willpower or advice like “just relax.”
Your mind isn’t malfunctioning.
It’s trying to keep you safe.
A Fictional Clinical Example (Based on Real Themes I Often See)
I’ll call him Michael.
Michael came to therapy because he couldn’t stop analyzing everything—text messages, work decisions, what people thought of him, whether he had upset someone without realizing it. Although he was doing well professionally, he felt constantly on edge.
As we explored his history, a familiar pattern emerged: he grew up with a father whose mood could shift unpredictably. As a child, Michael learned to monitor subtle cues—tone, silence, posture—to stay safe and avoid conflict.
His adult overthinking wasn’t random. It was the same strategy his younger self relied on to navigate an unpredictable emotional environment. His mind worked overtime because it once had to.
Over time, as Michael began to understand the emotional logic behind his thoughts, the intensity of his overthinking softened. He began to feel what he had spent years avoiding—uncertainty, sadness, anger—and discovered that these emotions were manageable. They were simply unfamiliar.
This shift didn’t happen by forcing the thoughts to stop.
It happened by understanding why they were there.
How You Can Begin Soothing Your Mind (Right Now)
These steps are not solutions, but invitations to relate differently to your inner world:
1. Acknowledge When You’ve Slipped Into Mental Overdrive
Simply naming it—“I’m spiraling into analysis right now”—creates psychological distance. Research on metacognition shows that noticing the thought pattern reduces its power (Wells, 2009).
2. Return to Your Body
Overthinking pulls attention upward and away from sensation.
Grounding yourself through breath, posture, or noticing the weight of your body reconnects you to the present moment.
3. Ask What the Mind is Trying to Protect
Instead of fighting the thoughts, get curious:
“What emotion might this thinking be helping me avoid?”
Often, what we fear feeling is far less overwhelming once we allow ourselves to name it.
4. Practice Internal Softening
Perfectionism and harsh self-criticism often accompany overthinking.
Research on self-compassion (Neff, 2003) shows that shifting from judgment to gentleness dramatically decreases anxiety and rumination.
These practices aren’t meant to stop thoughts entirely. They help you recognize that overthinking is not a failure; it's a message.
How Psychodynamic Therapy Helps Quiet the Mind
While short-term coping skills can help, true relief comes from understanding the deeper emotional patterns driving your thoughts.
In psychodynamic psychotherapy, we explore:
the emotional purpose of your overthinking
how early relational experiences shaped your internal world
what feelings your thoughts are protecting
how old patterns repeat in your adult relationships
new ways of relating to uncertainty, vulnerability, and emotional depth
This kind of work is not about eliminating thought.
It’s about creating an internal environment where your mind no longer feels the need to work so hard.
When the emotional system becomes safer, the mind naturally quiets.
A Different, Gentler Way of Living
If your mind feels stuck in loops and you’re longing for more peace, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
It means something inside you is asking for attention.
You don’t need to silence your thoughts to feel calm.
You only need to understand why they became so loud.
Psychodynamic therapy offers a space to listen—to the thoughts, the emotions beneath them, and the stories that shaped your inner world. From there, calm isn’t forced. It emerges naturally.
If you’re ready to explore this work, reach out when you feel ready. Inner quiet is possible—and it begins with understanding your mind, not battling it.
