How to Let Go of Who You “Should Be” and Embrace Who You Are
Psychodynamic Psychotherapy for Young Adults in San Francisco
Many young adults find themselves living according to an internal script—an unspoken set of rules about how they’re supposed to behave, succeed, feel, and even be. In my work with young adults in San Francisco, I often hear versions of the same worries:
“I should be more accomplished by now.”
“I should know what I want.”
“I should be calmer, more confident, more successful…”
These “shoulds” can feel like a quiet pressure sitting inside the mind, creating self-doubt, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. And for many young adults, there is a painful gap between who they really are and who they believe they are expected to be.
Letting go of this “should-be self” is one of the most meaningful psychological tasks of early adulthood. It is also one of the most common themes I see in young adult psychotherapy.
Where Do All These “Shoulds” Come From?
No one is born believing they are not enough. These pressures are shaped by a combination of internal and external influences—some subtle, some explicit. In therapy, we often explore the origins of these expectations and how they became internalized.
Family Messages
Growing up, many young adults absorb spoken or unspoken rules:
what success should look like, how emotions should be expressed, what paths are acceptable, and what must be hidden to be loved or approved of.
Cultural Influences
Cultural norms and social expectations shape beliefs about the “right” way to live, behave, and achieve. These can create rigid ideas about adulthood that leave little space for individuality.
Social Media
Constant comparison to curated images reinforces the belief that everyone else is more successful, happier, or more put together. Research shows that increased exposure to idealized images correlates with higher levels of self-criticism and anxiety (Fardouly & Vartanian, 2016).
Relationships
Early relationships may teach young adults to adjust parts of themselves to be accepted—disconnecting them from their genuine preferences and needs.
Past Experiences & Psychological Defenses
From a psychodynamic perspective, the “ideal self” and “ought self” often develop as protective mechanisms. Self-discrepancy theory (Higgins, 1987) shows that the larger the gap between who we are, who we should be, and who we wish to be, the more distress we feel. These discrepancies can lead to chronic guilt, shame, or anxiety.
Over time, these influences construct an internal blueprint of who you “should be”—often at the cost of who you really are.
The Emotional Cost of Living a “Should” Life
When young adults shape themselves around expectations rather than authenticity, certain patterns often emerge:
• persistent self-criticism
• burnout from overperformance
• difficulty identifying genuine desires
• numbness or emptiness
• relationships that feel misaligned
• anxiety from maintaining a version of oneself that doesn’t fit
• fear of disappointing others
Living according to “shoulds” may bring short-term approval, but it rarely creates long-term peace. In therapy, this is the point where many young adults begin to ask:
What do I actually want? Who am I when I’m not performing?
How Young Adults Can Begin Letting Go
1. Start By Noticing the “Shoulds”
Awareness is the first step.
When a thought begins with “I should…,” pause and ask:
Whose voice is this?
Your own? A parent’s? Society’s? A fear of rejection?
Simply identifying the source loosens its power.
2. Get Curious About the Fear Behind the Expectation
The “should” voice often tries to protect you from perceived dangers—failure, judgment, or vulnerability.
In therapy, we explore these fears compassionately, understanding their origin and purpose.
3. Practice Small Acts of Authenticity
Authenticity does not require one dramatic transformation. It begins with small choices:
• expressing how you actually feel
• wearing what feels like you
• saying “no” when something doesn’t align
• choosing activities based on interest, not obligation
• honoring boundaries you’ve ignored for years
These seemingly small acts gradually strengthen a young adult’s sense of identity.
4. Let Go of the Myth of the “Ideal Self”
Many young adults strive toward a perfected version of themselves—productive, calm, accomplished, socially effortless.
But perfection is an illusion. Psychological research consistently shows that authenticity, not perfection, is what predicts well-being and life satisfaction (Kernis & Goldman, 2006).
5. Surround Yourself With People Who Support Your Authenticity
Authenticity grows in safe, receptive environments.
Young adults often discover in therapy that certain relationships require them to perform—while others allow space for honesty, vulnerability, and complexity.
This recognition often becomes a turning point.
How Therapy Helps Young Adults Reconnect With Their True Selves
In my practice, therapy offers young adults a space to slow down, reflect, and examine the internal pressures shaping their lives. Psychodynamic psychotherapy, in particular, helps people understand:
• how their “shoulds” were formed
• what these expectations are protecting
• how patterns repeat in relationships
• what emotions have been pushed aside
• how to recognize and trust their authentic voice
This process is not about becoming someone new.
It is about reclaiming the parts of yourself you learned to hide.
As the “should-be self” loosens its grip, young adults often report feeling more grounded, more connected, and more able to make choices that feel aligned rather than obligatory.
A Call to Young Adults Ready to Become Themselves
Letting go of who you think you’re supposed to be is one of the most courageous steps a young adult can take. It means choosing authenticity over approval, curiosity over fear, and self-understanding over self-criticism.
If you’re ready to explore who you really are, therapy for young adults can help you make room for a more grounded, whole, and self-aligned life.
You do not have to become someone else.
You are learning how to come home to yourself.
FAQs: Therapy for Young Adults in San Francisco
1. Why do so many young adults struggle with “should” expectations?
Internalized family, cultural, and social pressures can create unrealistic standards that young adults feel obligated to meet.
2. How can therapy help with identity, self-esteem, or direction?
Therapy helps young adults explore fears, understand internal conflicts, and reconnect with emotions and preferences that were overridden by external expectations.
3. Is psychodynamic therapy effective for young adults?
Yes. Research shows psychodynamic treatment supports long-term emotional growth, identity development, and self-awareness—key tasks of young adulthood.
4. What if I don’t know who I really am yet?
That’s completely normal. Therapy provides space to explore identity at your own pace, without pressure to “figure it out.”
5. Is it common for young adults in San Francisco to feel lost or overwhelmed?
Absolutely. The combination of high expectations, fast-paced culture, and constant comparison often intensifies internal pressure. You are far from alone.
